Here's how. Remember last Saturday when I missed my kickboxing class at Martial Arts World? Well I've spent the week doing more of the same. Excuses, calendar snafus, getting caught up in a project ... Anything to avoid going again.
Today was classic. I was dressed and ready, but at the last minute decided I wanted to listen to Lakme on the way to workout. This required burning a CD, something that should, for anyone but me, take about three minutes.
But alas, this was not the case. It ended up taking me at least ten minutes to burn andI knew I was doing it -- I was making myself late. The Evile Muppets harangued me, "Can't show up to class tardy. it's disrespectful. blah, blah, blah." Next thing I know it's 12:49 and I'm late. There's no way I can make it to Burbank (especially by the police station) by 1pm on a rainy day. And that was just the beginning.
This whole story was humming static in my head. This part of my life that's never been made public. Then I realized, this is resistance, this is sabotage, and I asked what's really going on here? I mean, really. So I delved deeper and took a closer look. This is where the clarity came in.
The last time I studied martial arts and was in really great shape my heart was broken so badly it took more than ten years to fully repair. Even now the term 'completely healed' is tenuous, at best.
Wow - So there it is, the big AHA ... Somewhere, something inside of me is equating doing exercise and getting back into great shape, via martial arts in particular, with paralyzing heartbreak and involuntary fear of another soul-crippling Fall.
It's the only logical explanation I can see. I keep flashing on images of that time. Of the guy I thought was my soulmate walking out the door, and of him shattering of my hopes and dreams as he slammed the portal shut with a bang. I'd been SO CERTAIN we were meant to be together. When he left, I began to mistrust everything my intuition told me. My foundation was ripped from under me.
This is NOT a good thing for a triple Pisces. Intuition, instinct, intellect - these comprise my core. My compass. Without them, I lost the ability to see True North, and rapidly spun out of control.
Along with the martial arts crowd I was hanging with at that time, there was a parallel posse of disenfranchised souls. One that was made of those born and raised deep in the San Fernando Valley -- the Porn and Biker capital of the world.
Did I mention I was heartbroken and out of control and completely lost?
Well I was, and here's what happened next. In college I was a journalism major. I'd always thought it would be interesting to follow a group of outlaws around, you know, like Hunter Thompson did with Hells Angels. Sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll -- a life outside of the rules -- this notion was quite appealing to the broken angry rebel brooding inside my head!
And so, figuring the love of my life was gone. I had nothing left to lose - I thought why not cavort with this crowd for a while, just to observe what it's like.
My course was set when I met a biker named Snake who offered to take me to a bar called Golden Apple. No kidding, the Snake and the Golden Apple! The temptation was just too delicious to resist!
So I bit into the Apple, and the moment I did, I became more than just an observer. I was a misfit - one of the freaks -- a curiously clean cut girl in nerdy Gucci glasses, a whacky new oddity in a circus of strippers and crooks.
Looking back I know my Guardian Angels were working overtime. Keeping me safe from the world of danger I'd entered into. I learned to sleep during the day and stay up all night, and play darts and drink beer and shoot pool and throw knives and ... well ... let's just stop there and say I could write easily for Sons of Anarchy after my experiences, it wouldn't require much imagination!
But once I saw what the life was really about, I was out of there in an instant. Funny thing was, until that time I truly believed I was an awful person. It took me meeting completely amoral types to get what 'bad' actually is. After that trip I knew that wasn't me. I call it a 'trip' because it was, seriously, it was Alice following a White Rabbit (or in this case a White Snake) down a Dark Hole into a Weird and Creepy Wonderland.
Funny thing was, within six months of that trip I was working at Fox as a producer. After hanging out with nefarious gun-slinging, knife wielding outlaws, production execs were so not scary! No one knows about my Dark Adventure, I've hidden for all these years. But today, I feel its time for this to come to light. Illumination alleviates shadows that haunt.
The static buzzing earlier has silenced. There is a peace in knowing. Clarity that comes from proper nutrition Isagenix has given me. With that, tools to push through the resistance and stop the sabotage appear. Who knows what next week will bring. Perhaps now exercise will not be such an issue. Or maybe it will be still, but I'll figure out a way to get through it.
It's just silly to think that martial arts will lead to another broken heart. Just writing it out I feel a paradigm shift. I feel myself transforming as I relinquish the past and release the weight.
This is what the Isabody Challenge is really about! Release. Transformation.
Let go of the past and embrace the PRESENT! Now I see a future with JOY and PEACE in my heart!
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I can't abandon baking entirely. B'Elf would be too upset. It's one of the things that makes the holidays festive.
